Happy New Year!

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It's 2015, you've got that new year new me thing going on. I've been saying that for a very long time actually in fact for the past 6 years. This blog post is a very personal one but I'm hoping that being open will make me want to change for good reasons.

You might not know but I've been struggling with my weight since I was about 9 years old, around this time my body began to change into a little woman. Things that weren't there before were suddenly there and then came on the weight adding to it all. I've never been a small child in fact I've never been a small anything but it was still kinda alien to me. Since then instead of losing the puppy fat, I increased. It was a thing that every year I grew I put on a stone, it stopped around the age of 15 where I maintained that weight on/off. When I was 17/18 I lost stone in weight and it was the smallest I had been in a very long time, but that was while I was living in Trinidad and I put it all back on when I came back to London.
At age 15 (the unedited version) I was a size 14/16

On arrival to London I was happy to be home but I was also terribly depressed all my friends were no longer friends and I was starting Uni on top of it all. Then something very traumatic happened to me at 19. It was a very dark and horrible time for me, in fact I was suicidal. In this period I put on a stone and a half. I was at my biggest. I turned 20 still fat, still feeling ugly, still boy-friendless all the things I hated about myself. I became very lazy, and instead of doing something about my weight gain I sat and did nothing. I watched tv programs, went university, came home, did my work, watched more tv programs. It became my cycle. I was just really depressed.
Age 17 in Trinidad and I lost a stone

At 19 after traumatic thing happened size 16/18

20 years old getting fatter...
21 came and past and now at 22 on the bridge of 23 nothing has changed instead that I'm now at the biggest I've ever been. Over christmas my niece and nephew took some photos of me and I felt so disgusted to see this huge heffer on the camera. I look so big, I literally wanted to kick myself. What I have to know for myself is that I really have a eating disorder, I eat out of boredom, greediness and comfort. But this year I would like lose those two stones that I've put on over a course of two years and half years. My drive right now is that I'll be going to Trinidad. And let me just point out caribbean people are very vocal when they think you've put on weight...VERY VOCAL! So my plan is to lose a stone by march. It's not impossible but I think if I have you guys supporting me I can do it. To help me lose the weight I'll be keeping a food diary and exercising  every day and keeping active and drinking more! This year I would like to drop one clothes size both in bottoms and tops. If I can do this I'm going to be insanely proud of myself.

Age 22 This is me at my current state *hides* solid size 18 maybe even bigger

So here's to my 2015 journey! I will keep you updated with the progress!  

October/November Haul

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I usually never have any money whatsoever to do hauls and even this is a very small haul. So I begin with my first purchase of October, I blogged about it on my day with Grazia magazine but on that same day I bought a Zara perfume. The perfume is called Zara with Love, I actually smelt it at the beginning of the year but didn't have the money to buy it then. The bottle smells overly sweet with hints of romance and love, I know how can something smell like love and romance? But seriously it does, it smells like the sort of perfume you would wear on a date (inside secret: my boyfriend loves it). When it comes to buying high st perfumes, I literally only shop at Zara; they have the best non-designer scents ever! Zara with Love is also such a bargain at only £12.99 for 60ml!
Zara with Love

 Mid to ending of October I bought three Model's own beauty products, there was a special offer at their pop-up shop I think the deal was buy six items for £20, so me and my friend split it I bought three she bought her own three. I picked two nail varnishes and a mascara! I haven't bought nail varnishes in ages I think the last time was about a year and half ago maybe more. The last nail varnish I bought was a black Barry M one, but you could say I was in need of an update! I chose two very nude colours because they are very on trend at the moment and they look very luxxxxx ;) The two colours I got were Hyper Gel Naked Glow and Nude Beige they usually cost £4.99 so I think major bargain!!! To round off the deal I bought a mascara, right I haven't bought a mascara since 2010 (eeeekkk) I know I have broken the beauty no owning beauty products for more than a year code! Heck if I had money to throw away I would totally obey but poor ole me can't, but back to the story I bought the mascara and it's actually not that bad at all! It's called Mascara Big Brush and that is exactly what it is, it's really quite handy for really pushing the length of your eyelashes! The mascara is marketed at £5.99 so getting three products for ten pounds aint that bad at all!

Models Own mascara and nail varnishes 

As that day was sort of like a beauty product day I also got this Mac lipstick called Retro, I absolutely adore Mac lipsticks I now own five shades; retro is a really nice dark mauve colour, I initially went in for Velvet Teddy but I found it was quite similar to a colour I already have. I really love their matte range because I have big lips already I find glossed lipsticks make mine look very strange, so when I bought Retro I was slightly two sided because it's not matte but I was surprised how I could work it. To make it a bit more matte I add some eye shadow and bit of lip liner. All Mac lipsticks cost £15.50 but they are genuinely worth every penny!  
Mac lipstick Retro Shade
That was all the the things I bought for October, so bring on November Haul! I have been patiently awaiting the Alexander Wang X H&M collab since I heard about it in april, so fast forward to beginning of this month you could say I was sooooooooo excited! Now, even though I desperately wanted to buy something I am not by any means one of those people who would camp outside the stores until they open the door to chaos. HELL NO! So the next best thing is shopping online, now have in mind I've never bought any designer colabs from H&M before, so I didn't have a single clue what to expect while shopping online. I had a kind of idea what I wanted to buy and a few backup ideas too, so the night before the official launch day NOV 6th I set my alarm for 8.30 am, because of the excitement of the night before I slept through my alarm and awoke to a glorious 9.14 am! I shot up like a bolt of lightening and dashed to my computer. As soon as I got on the H&M site it kept crashing, I was literally like WTF!!! This was not what I was expecting at all so after an hour of refreshing and waiting very impatiently all the things I wanted were sold out
:( except my last option my yoga mat! So I bought it, it cost £39.99 but I was absolutely disappointed I couldn't get my first options which was the Wang scuba top and the Wang T-shirt dress. 

Alexander WangX H&M yoga mat

But I was really happy at least I was able to get my yoga mat! It's really great qualty and the case is amazing and just look at that strap! But anyway on the same day I went on Ebay just to see how much people were selling the other things I wanted,  I was quite depressed when I saw that scuba jumper was bidding at £100+ I even saw one for £250, my heart dropped so fast, I then checked out the t-shirt dress and that was fetching for £80+ and my heart dropped even further. Both the jumper and t-shirt were both selling for £34.99 so I was a bit defeated to see those scoring prices! Moving on since last year I've been pining for a pair of Nike Air Sky Hi Revolution, but they are as expected very very very very pricey at £110 for a pair, as you know I aint no rich bitch so I've been waiting for them to go down in the sale. So I got my chance on Nov 10th when I saw Office selling them at £66 but they only had them in a size 8, I'm a size 7 usually but I had read that the sizing were sometimes smaller so I went ahead and bought it. When these babies arrived I was soooooo happy that they only had a size 8 left because surprise surprise they fit perfectly! I'm actually in love with them, they are super comfortable and I've gone to work in them and worked all day and gives you that extra bit of height. My only problem was that they are white and it's such an effort to keep them that colour, thank god I've got baby wipes handy lol! 

Nike Sky Hi Revolution 
So last but not least I go back to Alexander Wang, as I was feeling super sad about not getting not a single item of clothing from one of fave designers; I was moaning about it one sad evening to my flat mate. Just to show her the sort of prices people were selling the merch as, I spotted the t-shirt dress selling for £45!!!! WTF!!! I literally just saw someone win that exact same one for £90 and I was like this has to be a mistake! With my friends approval I quickly bought the t-shirt and I'm still in shock that I actually scored it for £45 only a mere £10 more than the original selling price!!! I've got to say good things happen to those who wait! It looks soo amazing on and now I can finally say I own something from Alexander Wang... well two things actually! So that's it I've broken my bank and I won't be doing any shopping for a long time! 
Alexander WangX H&M T-shirt dress

Tell me what you think about my purchases?!?   

#GirlCrush Kylzzle

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#Selfish by zowealice featuring word wall art
Ok, her family maybe the most hated or most loved in the world right now but you can't deny it the youngest of the clan Miss Kylie Jenner is a trend setter! This year has been a big year for miss Kylzzle, she started vining, made makeup history with her overly drawn upper lip that had beauty enthusiasts buzzing to find that exact lip shade (older sis Kim revealed it was actually a lip pencil). Her and best bud sis Kendall also released their first sci-fi novel together Rebels: City of Indra and not to mention Kylie now has her own hair extensions brand!  
But we're are always gonna remember Kylie as the awkward one who kept touching her mum's boobs! 

 The good ole days when the upper lip was very minimal and the only makeup Kyls wore was heavy eye liner.  Beginning of 2014 the transformation from a caterpillar to a bonafied butterfly style icon and one of the most talked about teen!

So what do you think of Kylie's style? Worth the hustle or not sure about the bustle? 

My session @Grazia Magazine with Holly Peacock!

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For me to tell you about this amazing experience I had today, I have to begin at the very beginning!
For the past few months I’ve been on the hunt for the perfect stepping stone job; the kinda job that will enable me to use my creative mind (I’m almost 99% sure I have), something I can boast to my family about (they don’t quite understand the dream I have) and of course something that is challenging yet enthralling… well lets just say I haven’t found it. I have spent months and months applying for the ‘perfect’ internships/job and have been pretty sadly unsuccessful with all my endeavours. All I’ve accumulated is a long list of rejection letters (if I even got one). So you could say I’ve been feeling sort of like a failure.
 FACT: I’ve been rejected more times than accepted and I should be a little callus but it still hurts none the less.

So fast forward my doom and gloom days to October 2nd, I thought I’d have a check up on a really good opportunity site for the youngins’ Go Think Big; from time to time I have a look sometimes I find really find great opportunities. So I think this is where I slot what Go Think Big is:

·      A website that was launched by o2 to help the next generation get jobs in the media industry: they work with big brands at BauerMedia Group like: Heat, Grazia, Mother and Baby etc.
·      They have jobs/internships/sessions with media brands (pretty awesome)  
·      All in all a great place to check out!
So back to the story on the 2nd of October I saw an opportunity to attend a session/talk at Grazia magazine with their social media community editor Holly Peacock (a position that didn’t exist until recently). So I thought ‘OMG I have to apply!!!!!!’ so I checked out how long I had left to apply (a great countdown clock GoThinkBig use on all their opportunities), I had 9 hours! So I quickly applied (not thinking I would get it because it was so last minute).

A few days had passed and I was speaking to my mum on the phone telling her how down I was feeling about my stagnant career. Then I heard a ping from my phone and I looked at it instantly I thought another email about getting 20% off something I can’t afford…but it wasn’t that at all! I looked at it and saw the words ‘Delighted’ (a word I haven’t heard in a while) ‘Offer’ and ‘Grazia’, that was it and I starting yelling down the phone to my mum who couldn’t quite make out through my screams and random Gollum noises I was making what I was so happy about. So I explained to her that no it’s not a job offer but a insight session at Grazia! So to speak it turned my frown upside down, it was just the thing I needed at that precise moment.
 After speaking to my mum I read the email clearly, one thing in particular that stood out in the email was this part:
I know it may seem slightly immature but that little line cheered me up so much, it felt like I had just received the golden ticket!

The days flew by and boom came the 14th (also my nephews birthday) and I was on my way to the event, I have to be honest I was slightly nervous it was almost like going to an interview. Arriving at Endeavour House was really exciting and going up to the 1st floor and meeting the secretary and getting my name ticked off was a little AMAZING! I was slightly late due to the fact of getting lost, but I sat down quietly and nervously meeting the other 18 girls who had also beaten out a few people for this chance! I sadly missed the icebreaker so I don’t know any of their names.
Then Holly started her presentation; she began with a mini biography noting she wasn’t a Londoner but a true Gordie and that she had went to university and what she had studied. She then gave us a little insight of how she got her job detailing all the paths she went down to get there.

A few things I learnt about Holly through her presenting herself to us:
1.     She’s adventurous
2.     Takes advice from her father
3.     Honest (it’s so fresh how honest she can be about her life)
4.     She loves BeyoncĂ©
5.     She’s gone down different career paths not related to the one she has now.
6.     She’s a feminist (Hell yeah!!!)

I really loved how open Holly was about herself, she didn’t try to glamourize her story, she didn’t water it down or talk down to us she was just simply honest. It was just really refreshing to see someone in a position like hers and still be humble, funny and kind! Holly then gave us a small task of listing 3 things we wanted from a job, 3 things we didn’t want from a job and 3 jobs we could possibly apply for. I stupidly forgot my sheet of paper at Bauer (face palm) but fortunately I think I can remember what I wrote:

3 things I want from a job:
1.     To use my mind creatively
2.     Be able work with great people
3.     To enjoy what I do

3 things I don’t want from a job:
1.     To wear a suit (eeekkk)
2.     Not being able to move up
3.     To be depressed

3 jobs I could apply for:
I kinda left this blank because I was slightly unsure what to write. After that Holly discussed with us our answers and when no could give her job they wanted to apply for Holly told us we just wasn’t thinking out the box! Agreed Holly!

As we got talking we moved on to the second task which was pitch ideas to Holly about forthcoming events at Grazia (sorry guys have to keep it hush hush),
 I found this part really helpful because it allowed me to pitch my idea to my team and discuss how we could execute it.
To tie up the event Holly asked us to write down one thing we were good at and one thing that needed improving, this was probably the most interesting part! I wrote the first one, which was being good at coming up with ideas and then wrote what I needed to improve on which was then executing my ideas due to my lack of confidence and self-doubt. We then went round in a circle discussing our points and what was strangely in common,  I wasn’t the only one who lacked confidence! It made me wonder why so many girls and woman don’t feel confidant enough in their selves it almost disables us from progress. I looked at the great diverse bunch of girls surrounding me, and I thought how was it possible for such a great bunch of people who had beaten out competition of other girls to be here lack confidence? It was slightly dumbfounding but it also reminded me that I’m not alone! By the end Holly made every single one of us feel very confident in ourselves and made us tweet out the point we were good at (sadly my network was down so I couldn’t tweet mine).
photo taken by Holly Peacock!

So the session was finished and I was feeling a little sad that I could spend longer *weeps* but I felt so empowered and inspired that I could do absolutely anything!! On the way back to my side of London I went to pick up my nephews present and bought a perfume from Zara and came up with an idea for this article, I was slightly doubtful in myself for actually putting it out there but I remembered what Holly had told us and had no choice!!!

perfume I bought!!

I would like to thank the very talented people at Go Think Big and of course Grazia Magazine for spearing Holly Peacock for the few hours! It was the sort of cheering up day I needed! Thank You!!!

Ohh I also got this week's Grazia mag for FREE (HELL YEAHHHH)!!!

Style Finder in ma pocket...

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Sometimes when it comes to buying clothes online it can be frustrating especially when all your favourite online stores are not all under one roof! Well, finally there is an app that helps find what you want when you want!

What app is that you wonder?!? It's called Mallzee, (a nice little moniker well suited to it like Mall and 'zee' bringing the digital side of it) it's free and it fits perfectly in your pocket. What more do you want? Plus sides of the app: it notifies you when items you like have gone into sale, you are able to create 'style feeds' where you can put together looks tailored to your style, choose options such as the colour, price range and brand and then share it. Downside to the app: you can't filter searches through sizes and not all brands are associated with this app but with growth; of Mallzee I can see brands flocking to get involved in the future! Download the app @ http://app.adjust.io/umerqp for totally 0 money!!!

Life before the app:

A cold and sad existence full of having many tabs open trying to find the perfect black maxi dress (weeps) it was a sad day in technology history (my darkage)...

Life after the app:
 (Happy tears) I can shop on my phone and shop on all my favourite stores! Omg this is not real life!!!

Some Mallzee shopping tips:

1.Find a look that interests you:

 2.Press buy which will then link you to the brand site:

3. Make 'Style Feeds' by filtering products by colour, cost and brand:

October Fright Month

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So the count down begins till 31st of october, if you're like me that means 'put on those classic spooky movies'! I mean the time for trick and treating has passed my twenty-two year old self but doesn't mean I can enjoy myself with a good horror fest eh? Unconsciously all three picks have kick-ass female leads:

1)    What Lies Beneath  

When it comes to good thriller/horror movies they don’t get better than ‘What Lies Beneath’, it has a very good storyline and it’s also very believable that’s the scary part. Imagine you’ve been in accident and you found out something that put you in that accident and you recovered from your accident but now you don’t remember the steps that got you into that accident. What Lies Beneath is a woman’s search for the truth and the haunting of a woman who brings her to find the truth. This movies stars Michelle Pfeiffer and Harrison Ford.
 Fright score (4/5)

2)    The Craft

There’s something so sinister about The Craft that makes me get crazy goose bumps on Halloween. It’s not only about teen witches it’s about all the stuff that’s attached to being young and not quite aquatinted with yourself, it’s about finding out who you are in this case the being a witch symbolic to rebellion. The story is thrilling yet so dangerous and feeds you subliminal messages you’re not entirely sure if it’s right. I think The Craft has to be one of my favourite Wiccan movies, although some wiccans say it’s load of stereotypical trite, I think it made witches and being a witch more desirable that Sabrina the Teenage Witch ever did. Look out for amazing performances from Fairuza Balk she really put the D in demented, it also stars Rachel True, Robin Tunney and Neve Campbell.
Fright Score (3/5)

3)    Ginger Snaps

A story about two sisters who are so close they almost think like one brain. These two sisters have an obsession with death and all things morbid. They also have an amazing bedroom, which has a similar look of an orphanage and an obsession with suicide. So imagine now you’re pubescent and your body is going through a bunch of weird things and bam on top of that you get bitten by werewolf. You start getting noticed by the opposite sex and you enjoy it at first, but then you realise you’re a werewolf and you’re turning and there’s no way to stop it. Well this is exactly what is happen in Ginger Snaps plus a whirlwind of many other things that makes this an ultimate watch for Halloween. The whole story is literally an scary tale of growing from a girl to a woman! This film stars Emily Perkins and Katherine Isabelle. 
Fright Score (3/5)

These are a few of my favourite things...

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I find it so difficult to narrow down what are my favourite things. In fact sometimes I feel slightly embarrassed of what they actually are, but that won't prevent me for spilling the beans so without further ado here it is!

1. Favourite Place: London. London has been my home for 20 years and I spent 2 years in Trinidad, from that experience I learned that home is definitely where your heart cries for!

2. Favourite children’s book: Lola Rose by Jacqueline Wilson, growing up I was a huge Jacqueline Wilson fan, so much so when she came to my primary school in 2001 I was chosen to ask her a question and I got her current book at the time Dustbin Baby signed also! Even though I absolutely love that story, Lola Rose was my favourite because it was adventurous from start to finish. I loved that the main character was on the run and got to change her entire life and that was something I always wanted to do; be someone else for bit and Lola Rose let me experience that!

3. Favourite adult book: A song of ice and fire: A storm of swords by George R. R. Martin. I’m a total sucker for extreme fantasy novels,  a song of ice and fire series is one of my favourites ever! Martin’s writing ability to totally absorb a reader is absolutely life changing! I spent roughly 2 months reading books one to book four back to back. I’m a very fast reader so I basically devoured each an every book. A storm of swords is my favourite because of Jon and Yigrette. It was so romantic and I love a bit of romance between blood and guts!

4. Favourite song: This is an extremely hard choice to pick one song out of many, so I looked up on my itunes and showed my top ten most played songs. Surprisingly most are instrumental music, which shouldn’t be that surprising because I usually write to music. I prefer to write to music that has little to no added sounds, I find singing kinda distracting. I like music that is atmospheric and helps me create images!

5. Favourite album(s): I have a few so the first is Fefe Dobson debut album Fefe Dobson this album got me through secondary school.  Jill Scott’s: Who is Jill Scott: world and sounds, this just reminds me of being young and carless and not having a worry in the world! Oh to be 8 years old again and listening to this album with my mum and sisters dancing, jamming in the kitchen!   Kings of Leon’s: Aha shake heartbreak, this is my fav rock album by a band, OMG I can seriously tap my feet to this, dance, sing-a-long; come on– taper jean girl is such a classic song! Panic at the Disco- A fever you can’t sweat out, my gosh me and my mates knew nearly every song off-by-heart. It's pop, punk and rock, with lyrics that make you think 'hey what the hell did he just say?!?' And those ridiculously long song titles were just the cherry on the cake!

6. Favourite food: Pasta and Roti obviously not together but these two are absolutely yum! I love cooking a lil bit of Italian now and again– or all the time and well Roti I can only dream I could make one. However, I can make roti fillings which is actually not that hard. 

7. Favourite designers: Acne, Alexander Wang and Vivienne Westwood, because if I had a few thousand pounds just sitting to be spent I’d definitely invest in something from those designers, taking that I could fit into something from them >o<

8. Favourite high-street brand: Asos, H&M, Topshop and River Island, I call these the fantastic four I love Topshop accessories, River Island clothes because they go up to size 18, H&M for cheap but cheerful clothes and shoes and Asos for really nice shoes and quirky tees.

9. Favourite Fashion Magazine: Nylon, Grazia Asos and Love. Nylon for finding great undiscovered artists, actors, music and books, Asos for always being diverse, because I adore seeing women of colour in fashion, and Love magazines for their avant-garde editorials that always leave me totally gobsmacked.
asos and love magazine

10. Favourite author: Malorie Blackman, she taught me that not everyone written in prose has to be white.

11. Favourite Films: Boy directed and written by New Zealand native Taika Waikiki, 12 years a slave directed by Steve McQueen and Clueless directed and written by Amy Heckerling. There are more movies for every genre, but I’d say these three are my all time faves! I will have to do another post on each genre!

12. Favourite Screenwriters: Neil Jordan and John Singleton. Niel Jordan movies always nearly have me in tears and that goes for the same for John Singleton. I highly recommend watching Boyz in the Hood (1991) and The Crying Game (1992).

13. Favourite Directors: Tim Burton for his dark twisted ways of depicting classic tales, come on Alice in Wonderland was creepy yet very entertaining.

14. Favourite singers/songwriters: Sia, Sade, Aaliyah, Patrick Watson and Melissa Kaplan. There is something magical about these singers and their music makes me feel a certain way or brings me to a place.

15. Favourite actresses: Whoppi Goldberg, Lupita Nyongo, Michelle Williams, Keira Knightley.

16. Favourite actors: Ryan Gosling, Idris Elba, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Christian Bale and River Phoenix.

17. Favourite TV shows: Skins (first gen), Misfits (seasons 1-2), game of thrones, Rome, The Fresh Prince, Ugly Betty, Daria, True Blood and As If. I would say I’m a bit of a TV buff, I watch a LOT of TV maybe a tad too much but I love a good gripping drama! Who doesn’t?

18. Favourite stylists: JAK aka Jessica and Kelly, Francesca Burns, Ty Hunter and Katie Grand.

19. Favourite Person: My mother, she is my hero she makes be believe that anything is possible!

20. Favourite Quote: ‘Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will’, I try to live by this because it’s relevant within trying to find work in the creative industries.

So there is it my long list of 20 things I love, what do you think about it? Do you think we have anything in common? Or do I make you cringe a bit? Don’t forget to tell me!  

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